Signs of being in a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship

Would You Know If You Were In A Dysfunctional Relationship?

Dr. Deborah Hecker (Feb 5, 2016). Retrieved from: http://drdeborahhecker.com/dysfunctional-relationship/

Definition

The terms “toxic,” “dysfunctional,” and “codependent” are used to describe relationships that are not working. Although experts decipher differences in their meanings, the terms are often used interchangeably. That is because they all have one thing in common – unhealthy interactions that may be emotionally or physically harmful to the people in them.

It is common sense to say that we enter relationships expecting them to be emotionally supportive, mutually enhancing and full of good communication. Unfortunately, sometimes we feel worse after spending time with our significant other.

Why don’t we naturally gravitate towards those with whom we are compatible and who make us feel good? The simple answer is that unhealed wounds from our early childhood attachments are carried into our adult relationships. Instead of looking to ourselves to heal these wounds, we tend to expect our partners, who may also be carrying around past wounds, to make us feel whole…..a recipe for a dysfunctional partnership.

Toxic Relationship = Dysfunctional Relationship = Dead End Relationship The Warning Signs

Sometimes, it’s hard to know if your relationship is toxic, especially if it’s the only kind of relationship you have ever known. Nevertheless, there are some distinct red flags that you can look for in order to identify your own and your partner’s dysfunctional behaviors.

If your needs for security were not met in childhood, chances are your insecurities will present themselves in one of two types of dysfunctional behavioral patterns in your adult partnerships; co-dependency and counter-dependency. They are flip- sides of the same coin – your incomplete self (“I”) seeking an identity.

Let’s first take a look at the symptoms of co-dependency:

• Feeling trapped in abusive, controlling relationships.
• Having low self-esteem.
• Needing constant approval and support from your partner to feel good about
  yourself.
• Feeling powerless to change your destructive relationship Being a people-pleaser.
• Being unable to experience true intimacy and love, but craving it
  Clinging to others.
• Feeling insecure and incompetent.
• Acting self-effacing.

The following are typical counter-dependent behaviors:

• Pushing others away.
• Acting strong and invulnerable.
• Being detached from your feelings.
• Blaming your partner for relationship problems.
• Controlling others.
• Reluctance to ask for help.
• Feeling anxious in close relationships.

In case you have become “comfortable” in your dysfunctional relationship, and are unable to determine if it is healthy or not, below are some questions you may ask yourself

• Do you and your partner nurture and support one another?
• Do you trust each other?
• Do you experience yourself and your partner to be on the same team?
• Are your goals similar?
• Do you and your partner encourage one another’s growth and exploration?
• Do you have each other’s backs?
• Are you able to resolve your differences?
• Do you feel more alive?

Cutting The Cord To Dysfunctional Relationships

In order for a toxic relationship to heal, each party must be willing to take full ownership of their contribution to the dysfunction. Foremost, that means looking from within, not from without. It means developing your own identity(“I”), acknowledging why you act and react the way you do, and mastering your toxic behaviors.

For a partnership (“we”) to be healthy and functional, both partners (“I” and “you”) must be well-defined.

As each of you assumes responsibility for your individual development, together (“we”) you can question what in the relationship is not working and how you can make it work. Remember, healing a dysfunctional relationship is not about looking for a villain. As a team, the functional question to ask yourselves is not “Whose fault it is?” but “What can we do mutually to solve the problem?”

On the other hand, if you find yourself trapped in a damaging relationship in which your partner is unwilling to claim their role in it and continues to use toxic weapons such as intimidation, guilt, shame, withholding affection….look for the exit door. No matter how much you think you can change your partner for the better, you simply cannot.

http://drdeborahhecker.com/dysfunctional-relationship/

Workplace: Trickle-down effect of poor behaviour from senior to middle level managers and employees

Middle managers pass along bad treatment

Patterson-Vanderbilty, J. (2015). Futurity. Retrieved from: http://www.futurity.org/middle-managers-845332/

Vanderbilt University: Original Study

To cut turnover among lower-level workers, keep middle managers happy with their own bosses.

“Middle managers’ treatment of employees reflects how bosses treat them,” says Ray Friedman, professor of management at Vanderbilt Owen Graduate School of Management.

Previous studies have found that high employee turnover lowers customer satisfaction. It’s also been previously established that the level of satisfaction with a supervisor is a reliable predictor of turnover intentions.

“If an organization wishes to address issues related to line employees’ work attitudes, it should address behavior and work attitudes from the top down,” Friedman says.

“The focus should not just be on employees and their managers, but also on the signals being sent by senior managers every day as they interact with their middle-level manager subordinates.”

More turnover

 

In a study of 1,527 full-time employees at 94 hotels in the United States and Canada, Friedman and colleagues found that “middle managers’ satisfaction with their senior managers was related positively to line employees’ satisfaction with middle managers.”

So when middle managers don’t have good working relationships with their bosses, the effects are felt down the line with the employees the middle managers oversee, leading to some lower-level employees quitting.

“Despite the lack of direct contact between senior managers and line employees, senior managers can have a significant influence on those line employees,” Friedman says.

The effect is even stronger for women managers, the study suggests.

“While the trickle-down effect is general, there may be subgroups especially influenced by the trickle-down dynamic and we have identified women middle managers as a group that is especially affected by the trickle-down effect,” Friedman says.

Although they theorize that the results of the study will apply to industries other than the hotel business, the study authors call for further studies to confirm that belief.

The study appears in Career Development International. Coauthors are Ying Chen, assistant professor at the School of Labor and Employment Relations at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, and Tony Simons, associate professor at Cornell University School of Hotel Administration.

Source: Vanderbilt University

Counselling Services provided by Tracey Young

Critical Analysis: Speaking While Female in the Workplace

Speaking While Female

Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant on Why Women Stay Quiet at Work

Sandberg, S. and Grant, A. (2015). New York Times. Retrieved from: http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/opinion/sunday/speaking-while-female.html?_r=0

YEARS ago, while producing the hit TV series “The Shield,” Glen Mazzara noticed that two young female writers were quiet during story meetings. He pulled them aside and encouraged them to speak up more.

Watch what happens when we do, they replied.

Almost every time they started to speak, they were interrupted or shot down before finishing their pitch. When one had a good idea, a male writer would jump in and run with it before she could complete her thought.

Sadly, their experience is not unusual.

We’ve both seen it happen again and again. When a woman speaks in a professional setting, she walks a tightrope. Either she’s barely heard or she’s judged as too aggressive. When a man says virtually the same thing, heads nod in appreciation for his fine idea. As a result, women often decide that saying less is more.

Some new studies support our observations. A study by a Yale psychologist, Victoria L. Brescoll, found that male senators with more power (as measured by tenure, leadership positions and track record of legislation passed) spoke more on the Senate floor than their junior colleagues. But for female senators, power was not linked to significantly more speaking time.

Suspecting that powerful women stayed quiet because they feared a backlash, Professor Brescoll looked deeper. She asked professional men and women to evaluate the competence of chief executives who voiced their opinions more or less frequently. Male executives who spoke more often than their peers were rewarded with 10 percent higher ratings of competence. When female executives spoke more than their peers, both men and women punished them with 14 percent lower ratings. As this and other research shows, women who worry that talking “too much” will cause them to be disliked are not paranoid; they are often right.

One of us, Adam, was dismayed to find similar patterns when studying a health care company and advising an international bank. When male employees contributed ideas that brought in new revenue, they got significantly higher performance evaluations. But female employees who spoke up with equally valuable ideas did not improve their managers’ perception of their performance. Also, the more the men spoke up, the more helpful their managers believed them to be. But when women spoke up more, there was no increase in their perceived helpfulness.

This speaking-up double bind harms organizations by depriving them of valuable ideas. A University of Texas researcher, Ethan Burris, conducted an experiment in which he asked teams to make strategic decisions for a bookstore. He randomly informed one member that the bookstore’s inventory system was flawed and gave that person data about a better approach. In subsequent analyses, he found that when women challenged the old system and suggested a new one, team leaders viewed them as less loyal and were less likely to act on their suggestions. Even when all team members were informed that one member possessed unique information that would benefit the group, suggestions from women with inside knowledge were discounted.

Obviously, businesses need to find ways to interrupt this gender bias. Just as orchestras that use blind auditions increase the number of women who are selected, organizations can increase women’s contributions by adopting practices that focus less on the speaker and more on the idea. For example, in innovation tournaments, employees submit suggestions and solutions to problems anonymously. Experts evaluate the proposals, give feedback to all participants and then implement the best plans.

Obviously, businesses need to find ways to interrupt this gender bias. Just as orchestras that use blind auditions increase the number of women who are selected, organizations can increase women’s contributions by adopting practices that focus less on the speaker and more on the idea. For example, in innovation tournaments, employees submit suggestions and solutions to problems anonymously. Experts evaluate the proposals, give feedback to all participants and then implement the best plans.

SINCE most work cannot be done anonymously, leaders must also take steps to encourage women to speak and be heard. At “The Shield,” Mr. Mazzara, the show runner, found a clever way to change the dynamics that were holding those two female employees back. He announced to the writers that he was instituting a no-interruption rule while anyone — male or female — was pitching. It worked, and he later observed that it made the entire team more effective.

The long-term solution to the double bind of speaking while female is to increase the number of women in leadership roles. (As we noted in our previous article, research shows that when it comes to leadership skills, although men are more confident, women are more competent.) As more women enter the upper echelons of organizations, people become more accustomed to women’s contributing and leading. Professor Burris and his colleagues studied a credit union where women made up 74 percent of supervisors and 84 percent of front-line employees. Sure enough, when women spoke up there, they were more likely to be heard than men. When President Obama held his last news conference of 2014, he called on eight reporters — all women. It made headlines worldwide. Had a politician given only men a chance to ask questions, it would not have been news; it would have been a regular day.

As 2015 starts, we wonder what would happen if we all held Obama-style meetings, offering women the floor whenever possible. Doing this for even a day or two might be a powerful bias interrupter, demonstrating to our teams and colleagues that speaking while female is still quite difficult. We’re going to try it to see what we learn. We hope you will, too — and then share your experiences with us all on Facebook or in the comments section.

This is the second of four essays in a series on women at work.

Sheryl Sandberg is the chief operating officer of Facebook and the founder ofLeanIn.org. Adam Grant is a professor at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of “Give and Take.”

**************************

The first article in this series:

When Talking About Bias Backfires

Adam Grant and Sheryl Sandberg on Discrimination at Work

(2014). 

Continue reading the main sto

Gender Politics: How Not to Be ‘Manterrupted’ in Meetings

How Not to Be ‘Manterrupted’ in Meetings

Bennett, J. (2015). Time. Retrieved from: http://time.com/3666135/sheryl-sandberg-talking-while-female-manterruptions/

A guide for women, men and bosses

We all remember that moment back in 2009, when Kanye West lunged onto the stage at the MTV Video Music Awards, grabbed the microphone from Taylor Swift, and launched into a monologue. “I’m gonna let you finish,” he said as he interrupted Swift as she was accepting the award for best female video. “But Beyoncé had one of the best videos of all time!”

It was perhaps the most public example of the “manterruption” – that is, a man interrupting a woman while she’s trying to speak (in this case, on stage, by herself, as an award honoree) and taking over the floor. At the VMAs it might have counted as entertainment, but ask any woman in the working world and we all recognize the phenomenon. We speak up in a meeting, only to hear a man’s voice chime in louder. We pitch an idea, perhaps too uncertainly – only to have a dude repeat it with authority. We may possess the skill, but he has the right vocal cords – which means we shut up, losing our confidence (or worse, the credit for the work).

We might have thought we were just being paranoid. But thanks to Sheryl Sandberg and Wharton business school professor Adam Grant (a man!) we can feel just a little less crazy when we mentally replay those meetings gone wrong. In a new op-ed in the New York Times, they point out the perils of “speaking while female,” along with a bevy of new research to prove that no, this is not all in our heads. (Disclaimer: I edit special projects for Sandberg’s women’s nonprofit, LeanIn.Org. Though I did not edit her Times op-ed.)

Sandberg and Grant cite research showing that powerful male Senators speak significantly more than their junior colleagues, while female Senators do not. That male executives who speak more often than their peers are deemed more competent (by 10%), while female executives who speak up are considered less (14% less). The data follows a long line of research showing that when it comes to the workplace, women speak less, are interrupted more, and have their ideas more harshly scrutinized.

“We’ve both seen it happen again and again,” Sandberg and Grant write. “When a woman speaks in a professional setting, she walks a tightrope. Either she’s barely heard or she’s judged as too aggressive. When a man says virtually the same thing, heads nod in appreciation for his fine idea.”

My friends have come up with terminology for it: Manterrupting. Manstanding. (Or talk-blocking, if you want the gender-neutral version.)

And the result? Women hold back. That, or we relinquish credit altogether. Our ideas get co-opted (bro-opted), re-appropriated (bro-propriated?) — or they simply fizzle out. We shut down, become less creative, less engaged. We revert into ourselves, wondering if it’s actually our fault. Enter spiral of self-doubt. But there are things we can do to stop that cycle: women, men, and even bosses.

Know That We’re All a Little Bit Sexist — and Correct for It

The reality is that we all exhibit what scholars call “unconscious bias” — ingrained prejudices we may not even know we have. (Don’t think you’re among the culprits? Take this Implicit Association Test to be proved wrong.) When it comes to women, that bias is the result of decades of history; we’ve been taught that men lead and women nurture. So when women exhibit male traits – you know, decision-making, authority, leadership – we often dislike them, while men who exhibit those same traits are frequently deemed strong, masculine, and competent. It’s not only men who exhibit this bias, it’s women too: as one recent study found, it’s not just men who interrupt women more at work — it’s women too. But acknowledging that bias is an important step toward correcting for it.

Establish a No-Kanye Rule (Or Any Interruption, for That Matter)

When Glen Mazarra, a showrunner at The Shield, an FX TV drama from the early 2000s, noticed that his female writers weren’t speaking up in the writer’s room – or that when they did, they were interrupted and their ideas overtaken — he instituted a no-interruption policy while writers (male or female) were pitching. “It worked, and he later observed that it made the entire team more effective,” Sandberg and Grant wrote.

Practice Bystander Intervention

Seriously, stop an interrupter in his (or her) tracks. Nudge him, elbow him, or simply speak up to say, “Wait, let her finish,” or “Hey, I want to hear what Jess is saying.” The words are your choice — but don’t stay silent.

Create a Buddy System With a Friend

Or, better yet, if you’re a woman, create a buddy system with a friend who is a dude. Ask him to nod and look interested when you speak (when he’s interested, of course). Let him to back you up publicly in meetings. Seriously, try it. It’s not fair, no. But dammit, it works.

Support Your (Female) Colleagues

If you hear an idea from a woman that you think is good, back her up. You’ll have more of an effect than you think and you’ll establish yourself as a team player too.

Give Credit Where It’s Due

Yes, everyone wants credit for a good idea. But research shows that giving credit where it’s due will actually make you look better (as well as the person with the idea).

Women: Practice Assertive Body Language

Sit at the table, point to someone, stand up, walk to the front of the room, place your hand on the table — whatever it takes. Not only do these high-power poses make you appear more authoritative, but they actually increase your testosterone levels – and thus, your confidence. In some cases, it may actually help to literally “lean in”: in one study, researchers found that men physically lean in more often than women in professional meetings, making them less likely to be interrupted. Women more often leaned away — and were more likely to be interrupted.

… And Own Your Voice

Don’t undermine your authority with “I’m not sure if this is right, but—.” Speak authoritatively. Avoid the baby voice (leadership and authority are associated with the deep masculine voice, not with a softer, higher pitched tone). And please, whatever you do, don’t apologize before you speak.

Support Companies With Women in Power

We know that companies with more women on their corporate boards have higher outcomes and better returns. Teams with more diverse members perform better too. But having more women in power may actually encourage women to bring their ideas forward. In one study cited by Sandberg and Grant, researchers looked at the employees of a credit union where women made up 74% of supervisors and 84% of front-line employees. Shocker: women here were more likely to speak up, and be heard.
If all else fails, you can always learn how to talk really, really loud.

Jessica Bennett is a contributing columnist at Time.com covering the intersection of gender, sexuality, business and pop culture. She writes regularly for the New York Times and is a contributing editor on special projects for Sheryl Sandberg’s women’s nonprofit, Lean In. You can follow her @jess7bennett.

Business: 3 Reasons Consultants Should Start Blogging Today

3 Reasons Consultants Should Start Blogging Today

ZIpursky, S. (2015). Consulting Success. Retrieved from: http://www.consultingsuccess.com/3-reasons-consultants-should-start-blogging-today

Excerpts, follow the link to read the whole article. 

For consultants getting into a routine of blogging isn’t any different – it’s great for business if you do it, but it needs to become a habit and it needs to get done!

Personal Branding & Getting Your Name Out to the World

By blogging about what you specialize in on a regular basis you become a known expert in that area.

You Get to Constantly Learn and Grow

Another great reason to blog consistently is you have to stay on top of your industry so you can keep dishing out relevant content that your readers will want to get into. 

SEO Benefits and Being Found Online

The more quality and keyword rich content you put out there the more free traffic the search engines like Google will send your way. Search engines love to provide their users with excellent content on a whole range of subjects. 

Dealing with Narcissists in the Workplace

Strategies for Handling the Toxic Narcissists at Work

Sirota, M. (2014). Om Times. Retrieved from: http://omtimes.com/2014/10/strategies-handling-toxic-narcissists/

The toxic narcissist. Oh my…

We’ve all encountered them at work- those people who are charismatic, popular with the boss, admired by many of their peers but in reality, terrible, awful people.

They ingratiate themselves with the management, shirk their responsibilities, steal work from colleagues and call it their own, take excessive “sick” days, manipulate and exploit others for their own gain, and always manage to be front and center when the boss is giving out complements and rewards.
Many people at work are taken in by their charming performance, but some of us see right through them. It can be pretty annoying, especially if you’re someone who works hard, is conscientious and who has integrity, to watch this type of toxic narcissist do better than you.
So how do you deal with someone like this? 
It depends on the culture of your workplace.

In an enlightened workplace, the boss will finally see through this toxic person and move them out. All you have to do is wait a while and things will go back to normal, with a positive, constructive collegial atmosphere prevailing.

There are, however, many bosses who are easily charmed by a toxic narcissist. They’ll see only the shiny surface of this person and be unwilling or unable to look past their false persona.

In this type of work environment, it would be professional suicide to call to your boss’s attention the fact that your co-worker is lying, cheating, bullying, or whatever terrible thing it is that they’re doing.

It’s also a very bad idea to walk around angry or to act out in any way. The boss will only see the worst of you, and will never be sympathetic to the fact that you’re upset by the injustices occurring in your workplace. You’ll just look bad.

When a boss is charmed by a narcissistic employee it’s as though they’re under a spell. To try and break this spell by complaining about your horrible co-worker is a) impossible, and b) will result in your boss becoming enraged with you.

In the blinded eyes of your boss, they’ll see you as the trouble-maker. How dare you besmirch the reputation of their darling employee?! You’ll come across as jealous and vindictive. Your honest attempts to rectify the situation will be interpreted as petty resentfulness.

You have three choices in such a workplace:

Choice number one: Put your head down and do your job. Try not to leak your resentment or antagonize your narcissistic co-worker and if the boss goes on and on, extolling the praises of this horrible individual, enthusiastically agree with them.

Choice number two: Find a new place to work; one in which the management is more sophisticated and which recognizes a toxic narcissist for the time-wasting, energy-sucking, morale-draining vampire that they are.

Choice number three: Be strategic. Without turning into a monster yourself, find ways to ingratiate yourself with your boss. For example, figure out what they’re interested in – like fly fishing, astronomy or needlework – and subtly let them discover how much of an enthusiast you are for these things.

Having common passions with the boss will begin to endear you to them. As will remembering the names of their children, or any other personal details they might have shared with you at some point. When this type of boss sees you as liking and admiring them, they’re going to be more warmly disposed toward you.

And here’s the not-so-hidden secret in this workplace situation: the boss who is taken in by the toxic narcissist working for them is a narcissist themselves.

When the narcissistic worker butters up their boss in the manipulative way only a narcissist can, it’s most effective when that boss is so self-absorbed and self-important that their ego happily inflates on receiving this disingenuous flattery.

You can choose to stay out of it, quietly doing your job and keeping a low profile; you can look for another job- but there’s no guarantee that your new boss won’t be narcissistic, either, or you can beat the toxic narcissist at their own game, but by doing it in your own, more ethical way.

Let your boss see how fantastic you are. Buff and shine and polish your workplace persona until it glows. If you’re not a narcissist, you can’t compete on that level of gamesmanship. You’ll never be as good at trickery as they are, so abandon that strategy before you begin, and find more subtle ways to succeed.

Always make an effort to sit where your boss can see you at meetings. Make frequent but not-too-intense eye contact with them; smile warmly at them; give them a compliment that’s subtle and seems unrehearsed, so you don’t look like you’re trying to curry favor with them. In other words, seduce them, and by this I mean get them to be as charmed by you as they are by your narcissistic co-worker.

You can’t get your boss to stop thinking that your horrible colleague is fantastic, but you can get your narcissistic boss to see you as equally wonderful.

Always have your work done on time, if not early, and find subtle ways for your boss to see this. Be friendly and helpful (but not a doormat) toward everyone at work, and show your boss how likeable and popular you are.

Let your boss see what a fantastic asset you are to the workplace, on both an interpersonal and productivity level. And most of all, subtly let your boss know how thrilled you are to be working for them, which will make them feel really good about themselves.

The interesting lesson here is that the more susceptible your boss is to the charms of a toxic narcissist, the more they reveal their own narcissistic nature, and the easier it will be for you to use this personality weakness of theirs to propel your own success.

You can’t complain about the toxic narcissist, you can’t compete head-to-head with them, you can’t try to use their techniques- techniques that an honest person like you is doomed to fail at- and you can’t ever get into conflicts with them, because they will always win.

If you choose to stay at your job, you can see this dysfunctional dynamic as an opportunity to be clever and strategic and to shine in the eyes of your boss.

Instead of getting upset at the injustice of the narcissist succeeding- and they’ll probably do very well for themselves- you must put that out of your mind: in this, you have no control. Rather, you can take advantage of what you see and use it for your own benefit.

You can recognize the weakness your boss has demonstrated and use it to your best advantage. You can see that in their egocentric haze, your boss will be just as easily taken in by your “non-toxic” strategies for success as they are by the toxic narcissist(s) in your midst.

In this way, the toxic narcissist is a gift, allowing you to discover a chink in your boss’s armor, and paving the way for your own strategies for making yourself look brilliant and indispensable to them.